Finding your "Constant Joy"

Confession time…I started college with a plan, and now I don’t even know what next year will look like.

I enrolled in college in 2023, picked a major, and kind of thought that was it…I was going to attend undergraduate school, pursue a medical degree, and then work in that field for the rest of my life. I thought I might be happy with my writing as a side hustle, and that would be that. And in principle, this wasn't a problem my freshman year. I really enjoyed school; I enjoyed my classes, and I enjoyed being at college. But despite how busy school tried to keep me, I never stopped writing.

            Going into my sophomore year, I was optimistic that absolutely nothing would or could derail me. But midway through the year, I noticed a change. The classes I was taking were more for my major, and I couldn't help but notice a distinct difference between myself and the other students in my major. I was in classes with most of the students being athletes...and for a nerdy girl whose favorite thing is dragons, swordfights, and magic, it was a little intimidating. While most students had an extensive background in what I was studying, I was sort of starting from ground zero in terms of personal experience regarding actual treatment, and some of it felt like learning a different language.

            At first, I thought nothing of it…just because someone else knew more than me didn’t mean I couldn't learn.

            The spring semester of my sophomore year, I was struggling. I was still getting good grades, but the problem went further than grades. Mentally, I felt myself slipping. I began feeling a little guilty about not being home for my family to help with some stressful things. My classes were not bringing me real joy. I was thrown into a leadership role I probably shouldn’t have said yes to in the state I was in. At the time, I thought that taking the position would make me feel better, but it did not. My friends would talk about grad school, and med school, and jobs after college, yet every time I tried to do the same with grad school plans, I never felt excited about it. A part of me couldn't see myself in school for another 3-4 years after undergrad…and in fact, kind of dreaded it. Friends and teachers were constantly asking if I was okay, and I’d lie and say I was fine, all the while knowing that something was wrong.

I tried to convince myself I was doing the right thing. I tried convincing myself that maybe I just needed a gap year between undergrad and grad school, or that I needed to travel and "find myself" or something like that. I even tried to convince myself that I’d feel differently about everything within the next week. And above all else, I was worried that if I said anything to the effect of "I don't think I want to go to grad school at all" people would think I was insane after spending my time, energy, and money on this undergrad degree. I was scared that I’d disappoint so many people who were excited for me to be a doctor. Even I thought I was crazy as “I’ll feel better about this next week” became “I’ll feel better about this in a month”, and then one month started bleeding into two. I found myself turning to reading and writing about the worlds I loved even more.

            In April of my sophomore year, my friend Bridget and I were listening to Lauren Roberts (Author of the Powerless trilogy) speak on her Fearless book tour. She talked about how she started writing her trilogy when she was 18, and then went to college for a degree that, surprisingly, was similar to mine. And she said that while she didn't hate her major, it "didn't feel like her." At that point, she dropped out and decided to pursue her writing career, and we all know how that turned out. I remember looking at Bridget and asking "Why is she me?" Because for a second, a bestselling author voiced everything I had been feeling and had been too scared to admit to anyone, including myself. (And Lauren, you will likely never read this, but in case you do, I want you to know, you changed my life, so truly, thank you.)

            That night, I finally confessed to Bridget what I'd been feeling for months. (And Bridget, it's more likely you will read this, and I want you to know that you have also changed my life in a huge way…so thank you so much!) Bridget was the first person I confided in, and she finally got me to stop yapping myself into a spiral long enough to assure me that I wasn't crazy…and I needed so badly to hear that. I needed to hear that to feel like it was okay to stop lying to myself. I took the entire thing as a huge sign that I was meant to do something else.

            When I got home from school, it was hard to find a summer job, so I spent almost all of my time sending my book out and took a summer class to graduate a semester early. I landed a publishing contract and signed in August. I took steps to ensure that I could graduate a semester early and save the money I would have spent on another semester while also taking on a communications minor (huge shout out to all my college professors who have embraced all the crazy that comes with all of this). I'm still finishing my undergrad degree, but I am seriously considering a career in the publishing world after graduation.

            I was talking with some friends one night shortly after we got back to school for the year about my journey and future plans, and something my friend Gavin said really stuck out to me. He said he thinks it’s important to find your "constant joy", the thing that no matter what, is a source of happiness. I feel like some people forget about that. They focus on being successful and influential, totally forgetting that success means nothing if you aren’t happy. People forget to be happy, and they forget that they should be excited about the next step in their lives.

            So, I urge you to go find your “constant joy”. It might not be easy. You might take a few detours to get there. Heck, if you’re anything like me, you might need someone to spell it out for you. But once you find your constant joy, chase it, and don’t let it go.